Posts by Toni

I'm at the mid-way point to Easter, am still diet coke-less; and, I haven't bought any shoes in two weeks, although I did have a wild try-on spree in a swanky department store recently. (Insert mini British Queen clap here.)

I'm feeling a lil' melancholy, with the nonsense called Oscar fashion and the death of Mr. McQueen.

This Nick Alan tee sums up how I feel.

It screams Anti-Fashionista and is made in America, but not in slave chola LA camps, like American Apparel.

Mine is being shipped as I type!

You feelin' this, Boo?

There is a time in every woman's life where she makes the decision if she is having sex that night (yes boys 99.5% of the time we know in advance if sex is on the menu and we make the call don't get it twisted).

She then begins a process called the "sex shower".

Some women do it in anticipation that they might have sex, and some women do it only when they know it's a sure thing. It really is just an extra long shower in which we make sure we are as smooth, clean, and sweet smelling as humanly possible. An old tranny- esque roommate used to scream at me "Toni, get out of the shower you are f*cking up your skin."

Anywho, I needed to bring this up because I just read that a woman near Key West (Pirateville) just crashed her car because she was shaving while driving. I have some thoughts on this:

Shaving your cookie is hard enough. Is shaving and driving the new texting/driving?

She was in route to see her boyfriend. What there are no bathrooms where you were coming from or going to?

Her ex-husband was in the passenger seat. Even the best ex/friend situation would still feel some type of way about this?

Did she have a Venus? Did she Bic it? Shave gel? Was the bitch doing it dry? Grizzle.

The opinions expressed in this article belong to T-bonz (and some random quips from Elyse). These shouldn't be reflected on the entire Glamour Cow famiglia!

Most improved from Golden Globes: Cameron Diaz (Elyse: Did you see those crow's feet?)

Best animated character to real person crossover: Zoe Saldana (Elyse: Orgasm. Loved this.)

Worst dressed person (who knew they had a good chance to win): Sandy Bullock (Elyse: Really? I loved her dress...)

Worst double vision: J Lo and Amanda Seyfried , someone at Armani Prive needs to check their email and not put bitches in what looked like the same prom dress (Elyse: JLO needs to get back on the 6 train with that dress; looks like a cross between BAPS and Candy Land board game piece. Amanda looks she's wrapped in cheap, gauzy fabric from Michael's Craft Store.)

Worst tattoo: George Clooney's Italian Bitch needs some stage makeup to cover up that tribal tattoo. I can't believe he even talks to women that have them! (Elyse: Is. That. A. Tribal. Band.)

Best sucking on the nipple of youth: Demi Moore (Elyse: Agreed.)

There was a time during the "Toni World Tour" that I wore a mini knife on a chain around my neck.

I also had a Chanel lipstick that doubled as a jail-style shank...

I would make jabbing motions at people's abdomens in clubs and tell them to "Go To Sleep."

True story.

It was a colorful time for me.

Every once in a while I see things that bring me right back to those glory days.

March is women's history month and you need these items from BUST (one of my favorite mags) to celebrate:

The BUST Guide to the New Girl Order book, which complies the best of BUST's writing over the past 7 years. Fierce girl manifesta!

The I Want Candy revolver watch. What time is it tricks?

The Flower Print Utility Blade. For slicing bitches that carry on! (Kidding. Chill.)

You know that the recession is still in full swing if the "isle" of manhattan gets a major discount department store.

Well guess what, Bitches?

Nordstrom Rack is opening in Union Square in May.

Besides for well-dressed NYU students for graduation; how do you feel about this?

I have high hopes...I just hope its not dirty Marc Jacobs floral dress leftovers.

Seeing those things on sale everywhere! Boring!

Holla at me!

T -bonz

So, for lent I gave up two things:

Diet coke (fashionista crack; cheap and available) and buying fierce shoes.

But, when my sacrifice to the Diva upstairs has been proven (40 days, sigh) these shoes will be purchased.

The 5.5 inch heel will make me 6'4; but, aren't Amazons in for spring?

Peace,

T-Bonz

I have done fake tans, fake lashes, fake hair, fake nails, and fake bitches friends.

So it's no surprise that when it comes to the latest fake tattoos from Chanel, I can easily quote SJP:

"...Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

Real tatts hurt and I can never be into anything long enough to have it on me forever.

But, this lil' gem lets me dress up and wash off in a couple of days.

For $78...loves it!

Launching March 1, Chanel.

Sometimes my lifeberry (aka blackberry) gets so hot I swear it could cook a Lean Pocket.

Imagine that app?

Anywho I like my clothes to not only be fierce; but, multi-functional.

Take this lux cape/sweater from Rogan.

It's mint, so its gets points on the style board, but here are some other ways this can be used:

-As part of a stalking expedition (don't act like you have never doned all black and done a drive-by).

-As a day time Gaga look, the hood can help you hide from the "razzi"

-Impromptu lingerie, providing you have nothing underneath (ie: meet a cute boy at the pub , and decide you are shagging that night)

-As a post plastic surgery schmata that you can where to your favorite greek dinner with your best girl pals and not feel hideous! Opa!

And for $312 it works perfect for those NYC still-need-a-light-jacket days...

Random Note: I donated my whole emergency-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-mama-needs-a-new-pair-of-Loub's fund to Haiti.

I encourage everyone to donate whatever extras you have: be it: money, shiny leggings, boxes of Ramen noodles left over from college, or those fucking heinous UGGS you keep on wearing, to those powerless Haitians suffering desperately.

Now, back to business.

American Apparel, what the fuck are you thinking with your floral lace unitard?

Who would wear such a thing?

I kinda dig it but it's definitely a night time thing, and a major commitment to wear.

Imagine trying to shimmy out of it to pee in those teeny tiny downtown clubs...

Then, I stumbled across this.

Yup, I guess that's the only way to do it.

Does that fly for casual Friday?

There she is Miss America...

Fresh off her win, Caressa Cameron is showing up in NYC at DSW to do a little meet and greet.

I'm always curious to see beauty queens in person and ask them beauty tips.

So if you're free tomorrow night, stop by Union Square... you might walk away with a pair of summer sandals...

And hello?

Every 15 minutes, DSW is drawing cards for $100 gift cards!

DSW Union Square
40 East 14 Street
New York, NY 10003
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
5:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.