Recently in DATING Category

Ok boys. Here's a little tip. While a girl loves a gentleman, you don't have to be so chivalrous...all the time.

We WANT to be kissed on the first date.

Don't walk us 14 blocks home, set up a second date, stare at us awkwardly for what feels like hours on the doorstep, and do nothing. Make a move damnit!

I'm not asking for sex....yet.

Just a nice, hot, passionate make out session to let me (and you) know if there any sparks. Grab me, pull me in, and kiss me. Run your fingers through my hair, down my neck, down my back, and fucking make out. with. me.

I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get some action around here? Walk around with a sticker saying "I might like you better if we slept together" stamped on my forehead?

A girl doesn't have all day. Make a move boys.

xoxo

L

Do be smart about your profile. Too short and people won't take your profile seriously, too long and no one's gonna read it. Pictures - you need a mix of close-ups and body shots. Close-ups to show everyone you're not hiding an ugly mug, and body shots to prove you're not hiding a beer gut. Reversely, if you're looking at a profile and there are only have pictures from a distance or pics cropped from the neck up - keep moving. Your dream man (or girl) is definitely hiding something. Think I'm being materialistic? Well guess what people. LOOKS MATTER. And it's the first thing people see when scrolling through profiles, so make sure yours stands out!

Don't false advertise. As you're about to soon learn from my TFA date, NO ONE likes a false advertiser. Your pictures should be as recent and truthful as possible. Recently gained 15 lbs? Then don't put up pictures of you 15 lbs thinner! No matter how many pairs of Spanx you have strapped on underneath that dress, he's gonna notice. And men - same goes for you. We do notice when a 6-pack online translates to a beer gut and love handles in person.

Do get a last name and (internet stalk) away. Google search, Facebook stalk, Twitter stalk - trust me, better to find out anything unsavory now than a few dates in when you've wasted time and energy. And if you think he isn't doing the same, think again.

Every now and then (or every night (cough cough) not like that's me...), it's not uncommon for us ladies to give ourselves a hand. And unless we want to develop a nice little case of carpel tunnel, we sometimes, need a little help.

So when asked to try out Empire Lab's Finger Vibe , I thought to myself. Hmm... Could be just the trick.

OH, and just the trick it is (!)

Whether you're single, engaged or married, this is one ring you can slip on, and enjoy, solo. This pint-sized finger vibe slips right onto your (obvs) finger for pleasure literally at your fingertips.

And unlike my usual mantra, size, shockingly, does not matter.

Believe me when I tell you this little guy packs a punch. A rhythmic, stimulating, orgasm-inducing punch, that is. Living with two roommates I was a little concerned I'd get busted over the usual "zzzzzzzzz" sound (I mean please, what else could it be), but was pleasantly surprised to find the little bugger is not only discreet in size, but in sound as well.

Some other added titbits (courtesy of EmpireLabs.com):

It glows in the dark: You know, in case you misplace your finger, it's easy to find.

60+ minutes of use: At approx 5 minutes per orgasm, you're looking at about 12 uses. And at $9.95, that breaks down to about $0.83 per use. I mean, if we're gonna get economical.

Non-metallic, no power cords: Thank god. Could you imagine electrocuting yourself down there? Talk about a shock you don't want to experience.

Safe, non-allergenic, contains no latex: I don't know about you, but I'm just glad my crotch doesn't have any allergies to begin with.

Phthalate FREE: Whatever the fuck that is.

Makes the perfect traveling partner: Bored on a flight? You can create your own mile-high club.

So ladies, the next time you go to give yourself a hand, put a ring on it instead. After all, who needs hand cramps when you can just give yourself the finger?

Happy vibing,

L

Just like "real life" pickup lines, some of the messages I receive online are real winners. Here, the leaders losers of the pack:

Source: POF

Subject: wow your sexxxy

Message: take a look at my pics.. tell me what you think

Verdict: Vomitrocious.

Two weeks later, from the same guy...:

Subject: wow your sexy (getting better with the spelling)

Message: was looking at your profile and
loved
your page..can you please take a
look
at my page and let me know what
you
think ..thank you
DO you have aol.aim?
whats your screen name

Verdict: Can you please learn how to put together at least one, cohesive sentence?

After the 'facebook boy' asked me to friend him on FB I thought I've seen it all, and since then I've had quite the dry spell in the men department.

Since, I have yet to come across a good piece of merchandise that I just have to have, my friend Melissa and I decided it was time to venture out of our JWU comfort zone...We made a plan: to live life on the edge (!), investigate unchartered territory, challenging our intelligence every step of the way. I'd say we were a two woman wolf pack.

When Sublime tribute band, 40 oz to freedom, came to the club by our school we decide to take a chance and go. And why not? We wanted to meet guys anyway.

We did the standard pregame sesh (a bottle of cheap vodka and some seltzer water to chase) and were on our merry way.

There is a time in every woman's life where she makes the decision if she is having sex that night (yes boys 99.5% of the time we know in advance if sex is on the menu and we make the call don't get it twisted).

She then begins a process called the "sex shower".

Some women do it in anticipation that they might have sex, and some women do it only when they know it's a sure thing. It really is just an extra long shower in which we make sure we are as smooth, clean, and sweet smelling as humanly possible. An old tranny- esque roommate used to scream at me "Toni, get out of the shower you are f*cking up your skin."

Anywho, I needed to bring this up because I just read that a woman near Key West (Pirateville) just crashed her car because she was shaving while driving. I have some thoughts on this:

Shaving your cookie is hard enough. Is shaving and driving the new texting/driving?

She was in route to see her boyfriend. What there are no bathrooms where you were coming from or going to?

Her ex-husband was in the passenger seat. Even the best ex/friend situation would still feel some type of way about this?

Did she have a Venus? Did she Bic it? Shave gel? Was the bitch doing it dry? Grizzle.

If any of you have been reading my posts lately, you know that I'm a LONG way out from getting engaged.

But, when given the opportunity to review this book, I thought, what the hell.

If I can get over my alcoholism long enough to survive a first date, let alone a relationship, maybe, just maybe, I will be engaged in my lifetime.

At which point I will be able to say to myself, "Good thing I read Michael Batsaw's, 51 Things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged."

The book is a quick, easy, practical read, a perfect coffee table addition at just 5" x 5" in every soon-to-be engaged girl's fave - Tiffany's blue.

No yoga moves are needed for this one.

Just a bathtub, a removable shower head, and well, another type of head.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

I think the image explains it all.

You'll think of your bathtub in a whole new way.

You're welcome.

Note to self: When calling a car service, it helps to know where the hell you actually ARE.

Another note to self: Wedging a menu between a door will not keep it from shutting.

There's really only one word to describe my life at this exact moment: tragic.

Where do I even begin....

Well, I suppose it all started last night at a cocktail party at Top of the Rock.

Three glasses of champagne later (and no dinner) E and I went to meet up with her boyfriend at the Black Finn.

Three (four, five?) glasses of wine later, E and her bf left, I stayed to finish watching the men's Olympic free skate with, oh, let's just go ahead and call him "ONS," E's bf's friend.

I was actually quite fine all throughout the Black Finn.

I was even fine when I went to a friend's bday party at Von shortly after (to which ONS tagged along).

I was still fine when, after the bday party (couldn't even tell you what time this was - 3am?) ONS and I left and, walking up Bowery, stopped into Phebes (you know, that weird pub/sports bar place across from B-Bar).

Yet another glass of wine down, and that was it.

Done.
Dunzo.
Plastered.

When I got the opportunity to review a book for GC, I got mostly excited for an excuse to dig up an image of the original Book It! pin I used to get in elementary school.

Anyone remember this??

We'd get pins for every book we read (or something like that), and then you could redeem at Pizza Hut.

Those were the days. (And apparently, Book It's still going! Graphic has sadly changed a bit, but still the same gist.)

So down to the book. Adding More Ing To Your Life, by Gabrielle Bernstein.